"Your the laziest person we have ever employed Smith , you've been caught asleep on more than one occasion your always late you never reach your targets and are so lethargic it's unreal , I thought you said you used to work on a farm ?!" "Yes I did. A cannabis farm "
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian" Passenger: " Who?" Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He was a man who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Brian every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy." Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?" Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini. "I want to feel your breasts," he exclaimed. "Get away from me, you crazy old man," she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty pounds" he says. "Twenty pounds? Are you mad!? Get away from me!" "I want to feel your breasts. I will give you one hundred pounds" he says. "No! Get away from me." "TWO HUNDRED POUNDS" he says. She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said No!" "FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS" if you let me feel your breasts," he pleads. She thinks, well, he is old, and he seems harmless enough.. and five hundred pounds is a lot of money.... "Well, OK.. but only for a minute," she says. She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel... and then he starts saying, "OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.." while he is caressing them. So out of curiosity, she asks him, "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god, oh my god'?" While continuing to feel her breasts he answers, "OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.. OH MY GOD.. where am I going to get five hundred pounds from".
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. 'Why?' asks the father? 'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY. 'But that's right!' says his dad. 'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'' 'What's the ****ing difference?' asks the father. 'That's what I said!'
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.' Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.' The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?' Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own ****ing business.
A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social worker raised doubts about their suitability to adopt a child. The couple showed photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social worker raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care. "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills,” they said. Then the social worker expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, child welfare, and diet,” they replied. The social worker was finally satisfied. The social worker asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" The couple answered, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits into the cannon.”
An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates. 'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.' 'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?' 'Just three questions' said St Peter. 'Which are?' asked the Blonde. 'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'? The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' 'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.' So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same). The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.' 'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?' The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.' St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question. 'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?' The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!' 'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?' 'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.' St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head. A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?' The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.' 'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?' 'It's Andy.' 'Andy??' 'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde. This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?' 'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.' And the Blonde entered Heaven..?
A guy, on his wedding night is about to get it on with his newly wed for the first time in their hotel. They start to undress and he says, "God, I never realised that your boobs were this small." The wife gets all upset and understandably throws him out. While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall. The first man said, "Hey, What happened?" "Well, I saw my wife naked for the first time tonight and all I said was, 'Oh I never knew your a#se was that big.' and she just threw me out just like that. Just then a third guy also on his wedding night like the first two guys, comes storming out into the hall. "Hey, did you put your foot in it as well?" ask the two men already outside. "No," says the third guy, "but I bloody well could have."
MURPHY'S LESSER KNOWN LAWS 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 9. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 10. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first. 11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. 12. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. 13. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark. 14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer so a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. * The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million pounds, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.* * The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?' * Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.' * 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children? * The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again* * 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?' * The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea. * And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
Gardening for the Hearing impaired I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake so I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?" She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?" I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion. Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?" I repeated the gestures. ......"Eye - Kneed - The Rake" My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one. Exasperated,.... I went upstairs and asked her, ...."What the hell was that!?” She replies, ........ "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his Mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...' At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.' At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, and then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs. Mummy fainted! Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
13 canaries : Three young women are at a cocktail party. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other. The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour. The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride. The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's willie!!" The first woman looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks." The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. To be honest, my husband didn't buy me a Mercedes. He bought me a Ford." "Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg."
Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride. He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really bothers Fred so he asks him, “What’s wrong with you?” The reply is, “I got this in the war" Fred finds this pretty disturbing so he switches seats. The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times. So Fred asks him, “What is wrong with you?” Again the answer is, “I got this in the war.” Fred moves. The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand. Fred says, “Let me guess, you got that in the war?” His reply was, “No, I got it out of my nose. I can’t get it off of my hand.”
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.' 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.' 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 17. A backward poet writes inverse. 18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste for religion. 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine. 21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.' 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!' 23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.' 25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
Went to the gym the other day. Had my workout and decided to have an energy drink in the gym cafe. while i was sitting there an extremely fat young woman sat down beside me, puffing an blowing. She ordered her meal and turned to me and said "excuse me, I wonder if you could help me" I turned towards her and asked what the problem was. Well she said, I have been coming to this gym for 3 months now and haven't lost an ounce yet. I have diligently followed the instructors advice and I just wondered if you might have any helpful suggestions. So I said to her have you tried skipping. What skipping like boxers do she said. No. I said meals you fat b.....d