Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs. The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.' Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week. When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.' 'What skill?' yelled Paddy.. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. 'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.' The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.' Soon thereafter, another Irishman entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.' This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?' 'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied. 'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's. At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes. The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear. The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered,...... 'Is that Fanny Green?' The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ..........'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes!!
Paddy and Mick looking through a mail order catalogue. Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too." Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now" 3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?" "No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, George woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
An old man goes to the barbers for a shave, he tells the barber he won't be able to get every whisker due to the wrinkles in his skin, so the barber gives the old man a small wooden ball to put in his mouth, stretching his skin, he then proceeds to give the old man the best shave of his life, "that's great" says the old man "but what would have happened if I had swallowed the ball?" The barber replies "you just bring it back in a few days like everyone else does"!
What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying 'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. Time for another beer.
3 virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period. > Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and > made them all promise to > send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first > impressions of marital sex. > > The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The > card said nothing but: “Nescafe”. Puzzled at first, Mum went to her > kitchen and got out the > Nescafe jar. It said: “Good till the last drop”. Mum blushed, but was > pleased for her daughter. > > The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the > wedding, and the card read: “Rothmans”. Mum now knew to go straight > to her husband's > cigarettes to read from the pack: “Extra Long. King Size”. She was > again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter. > > The third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand . Mum waited > for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. A month > passed; still nothing.. A card finally arrived from Auckland on which > was written with shaky hand, “Air New Zealand “.. > > Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages > fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ. > > 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.' > > MUM FAINTED !!!!!
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. ''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.'' ''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now though." the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear me..'' says the other. ''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.'' ''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.'' ''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly. ''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other. ''And this is my third son. My baby My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18'', she whispers. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...'' ''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says ....... "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Retirement.... The longer you've been together, the funnier this becomes An elderly couple were at home watching TV. Phil had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. Sally became more and more annoyed and finally said, "For god's sake, Phil... leave it on the porn channel... you know how to fish!" I bet you didn't see that coming...!!
A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture. Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows. The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars." And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!" The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"
Two Irish nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside. "Oi, get your tits out, you penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross". So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts, "Screw off you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off"! Sister Immaculata looks across to an open-mouthed Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path." "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both." The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" said the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? This level of sensitivity can't be taught.
Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona (being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!" Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy. About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?" Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even slept with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did." Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it. 2.We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. 3.Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS. 4.Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband. 5.Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken,Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available. 6. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit…A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
you can now get insurance for sex in uk !! so make sure you get the correct, insurance for the sex you are having. please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes:- sex with your wife - legal & general. sex on the telephone - direct line sex with your partner - standard life sex with someone different - go compare sex with a lady of generous proportions - more than sex on the back seat of a car - sheila's wheels sex with a prostitute - commercial union sex with your maid - employer's liability sex resulting in pregnancy - general accident and finally sex with a transvestite - confused. Com