Jokes Jokes Jokes

Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
    153
    323
    10
    The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  2. searchengine

    searchengine Guest

    When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

    The Russians used a pencil.
     
  3. dareckibmw

    dareckibmw MDL Expert

    Jun 16, 2009
    1,201
    1,360
    60
    LOL !!! :biggrin:
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  4. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
    153
    323
    10
    A jock and a geek applying for the same job.

    The boss said, "Boys, you need to take a test before you can get this job."

    So they took the test and the next day they came back to see who the boss chose. "Well," he said, "Both of you got the same score except I'm going to choose the geek."

    The jock complained, "Don't you think that's prejudice or something?"

    "Well," the boss said, "Let me tell you what happened. Both of your papers were right all the way through until the last question came up, and the geek answered 'I don't know,' and then when I looked at your paper, you answered, 'Me either'.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  5. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
    153
    323
    10
    Lem: ''I got fired from my job as a bank guard.''

    Clem: ''That's awful. What happened?''

    Lem: ''Well a thief came in to rob a bank. I drew my gun. I told him that if he took one more step, I'd let him have it.''

    Clem: ''What did thief do then?''

    Lem: ''He took one more step so I let him have it. I didn't want that stupid gun anyhow!''
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  6. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
    153
    323
    10
    DEAR: WIFE, GIRLFRIEND AND ALL WOMEN

    During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all
    times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote
    control, you will lose it (your eye).

    3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as
    long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me. If you
    decide to stand nude in front of the TV, make sure you put clothes on right
    after because if you catch a cold, I won't have time to take you to the
    doctor or look after you during the Confederation & World Cup month.

    4. During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a
    refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you
    expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone, or pick up
    the baby that just fell on the floor....It won't happen.

    5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the
    fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on, and please do
    not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the
    games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am,
    unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.

    6. Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is
    losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it's only a game", or "don't worry, they'll
    win next time". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I
    will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football
    than me and your so called "words of encouragement" will only lead to a
    break up or divorce.

    7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me
    during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half
    time scores is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game;
    hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to
    "spend time together".

    8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen
    them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again, Many times.

    9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related
    parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
    a) I will not go,
    b) I will not go, and
    c) I will not go.

    10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a
    game, we will be there in a flash.

    THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  7. dareckibmw

    dareckibmw MDL Expert

    Jun 16, 2009
    1,201
    1,360
    60
    hahahah!!!! that's funny like hell:D
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  8. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
    153
    323
    10
    Tom, a loving husband, was in trouble. He had forgotten his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked off at him. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under six seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

    The next morning, Tom got up really early. When his wife woke up a couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new bathroom scale.
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  9. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
    153
    323
    10
    Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?" "Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears. "That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?" "I did!" sobbed Johnny.
    _________________________

    One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer. The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer. Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend.

    So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag. At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing. The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?" Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  10. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
    153
    323
    10
    You can be sure someone is an idiot when he/she:

    Spends twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said concentrate.
    Puts lipstick on their forhead because he wanted to makeup his mind.
    Thinks socialism means partying.
    Trips over a cordless phone.
    Takes a ruler to bed to see how long they slept.
    At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he put Sagittarius."
    Takes you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport left", he turned around and went home.
    ----------------------------------------
    A newly joined staff of a big company called the canteen and ordered for a cup of tea over the telephone.
    Staff: can I have a cup of tea
    Receiver: You joker, how dare you call me and order a tea, do you know who I am?
    Staff: No
    Receiver: I am the boss of the company
    Staff: And do you know who I am?
    Receiver: No
    Staff: Thank god....

    and he put off the phone
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  11. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
    153
    323
    10
    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
    Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
    Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
    Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
    Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
    Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
    Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
    Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
    Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
    Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  12. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
    153
    323
    10
    A cop stops a guy for running a stop sign.

    The driver immediately protests "Oh come on, I slowed down! Stop, slow down, what's the difference?"

    The cop politely says, "Step out of the car please", and then proceeds to hit the driver with his nightstick.

    While swinging away, the cop asks "Sir, would you like me to stop or slow down?!"
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  13. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
    153
    323
    10
    A Minnesota couple decided to vacation to Florida during the winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday. His wife would fly down the following day.

    The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

    Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted.

    The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

    To: My Loving Wife
    Subject: I've Arrived
    I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is not as uneventful as mine was.
    P.S. Sure is hot down here!
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  14. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
    153
    323
    10
    How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    None, that's a hardware problem!

    -----------------------------------

    Knock, knock

    Who's there?

    You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?

    You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?

    Nevermind, it's pointless.
    --------------------
    Two hikers are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them.

    They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first hiker gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on.

    The second hiker says, "What are you doing?"

    The first responds, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll have to jump down and make a run for it."

    The second says, "Are you crazy? Don’t you know you can't outrun a bear?

    The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you!"
     
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  15. smithdsouza

    smithdsouza MDL Novice

    Jun 24, 2010
    2
    0
    0
    A barber, a bald man and an absent minded professor take a journey together. They have to camp overnight, so decide to take turns watching the luggage. When it's the barber's turn, he gets bored, so amuses himself by shaving the head of the professor. When the professor is woken up for his shift, he feels his head, and says "How stupid is that barber? He's woken up the bald man instead of me."
     
  16. dareckibmw

    dareckibmw MDL Expert

    Jun 16, 2009
    1,201
    1,360
    60
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  17. dareckibmw

    dareckibmw MDL Expert

    Jun 16, 2009
    1,201
    1,360
    60
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  18. alzz

    alzz MDL Novice

    Jul 3, 2010
    36
    9
    0
    Bud doesn't make you wiser (bleh)
     
  19. alzz

    alzz MDL Novice

    Jul 3, 2010
    36
    9
    0
    Is cooked up 'humor' spam ??
     
  20. alzz

    alzz MDL Novice

    Jul 3, 2010
    36
    9
    0
    A : Boo!!

    B: Bah !!