Jokes Jokes Jokes

Discussion in 'Forum Games' started by pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010.

  1. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

    Jul 31, 2009
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    #1 pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2010
    Irish Password Joke
    During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank Of Ireland it was found
    that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:

    MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin

    When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password : he replied

    'Bejazus! are yez feckin' stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to
    be at least 8 characters long and include one capital'

    Disclaimer: all jokes copied from my email and web
     
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  2. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

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    Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .:D
     
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  3. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

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    The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

    Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?' :clap:
     
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  4. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

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    Larry's Proverbs





    1. A day without sunshine is like night.

    2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

    3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

    6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

    7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

    9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.

    10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

    12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

    13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

    14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

    15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

    16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

    17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

    18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

    19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

    20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

    21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'

    22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

    23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
     
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  5. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

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    The Wife From Hell

    A cop pulls over a speeding car.

    The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

    The driver says, "Well officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

    As the cop writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

    The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

    As the cop makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

    The cop frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

    The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

    The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

    And as the cop is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

    The cop looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"




    "Only when he's had to much to drink." :roll1:
     
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  6. dareckibmw

    dareckibmw MDL Expert

    Jun 16, 2009
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    hahah! :D

    +1 dude
     
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  7. dareckibmw

    dareckibmw MDL Expert

    Jun 16, 2009
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    (copied/pasted)
    A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

    The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

    The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

    Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

    The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool." :D:D:D
     
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  8. dareckibmw

    dareckibmw MDL Expert

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    #8 dareckibmw, Jun 2, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 20, 2017 at 4:11 PM
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  9. dareckibmw

    dareckibmw MDL Expert

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    Eventually, Bill croaks and Satan is there to greet him. "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."

    Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured.

    He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions.

    Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.

    Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

    "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

    "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

    "That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't!"

    "What about the PC?"

    "It's got Windows XP!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys,"

    "Which three?"

    "Control, Alt and Delete." :D:D:D
     
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  10. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

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    #10 pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 20, 2017 at 4:11 PM
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  11. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

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    #11 pedagogy, Jun 2, 2010
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2010
    INTELLIGENT BOY !

    A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam was having trouble with one of her students
    The teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"
    Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

    Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office.
    While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.
    Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

    Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
    Boy.: "9".

    Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
    Boy.: "36".

    And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy can go to the third-grade. "

    Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?"
    The principal and Boy both agree.

    Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
    Boy., after a moment "Legs."

    Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
    Boy.: "Pockets."

    Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
    Boy.: Coconut

    Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?

    The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy. was taking charge.
    Boy.: Bubblegum

    Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
    The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
    Boy.: Shake hands

    Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
    Boy.: Yep.

    Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
    Boy.: Tent

    Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
    The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
    Boy.: Wedding Ring

    Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
    Boy.: Nose

    Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
    Boy.: Arrow

    Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lots of heat and excitement?
    Boy.: Firetruck

    Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it u have to use your hand.
    Boy.: Fork

    Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
    Boy.: SURNAME

    Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
    Boy.: HEART.

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,

    "Send this Boy to Main University, I got the last ten questions
    wrong myself!"
     
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  12. dareckibmw

    dareckibmw MDL Expert

    Jun 16, 2009
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    Two bytes meet. The first byte asks, “Are you ill?”
    The second byte replies, “No, just feeling a bit off.”


    Eight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Can I get you anything?”
    “Yeah,” reply the bytes. “Make us a double.”


    Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what’ll it be?”

    The first string says, “I think I’ll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu”
    “Please excuse my friend,” the second string says, “He isn’t null-terminated.”

    :D
     
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  13. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

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    Why is sex like software?
    For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it for free.

    How is the new i Mac like a woman?
    Neither one will take a 3 1/2 inch floppy and they both like a big hard drive.
     
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  14. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

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    The husband had just finished reading the book 'Man of the House.'

    He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife, pointing a finger in her face, he said,

    'From now on I want you to know that I am the man of the house and my word is law. I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a scrumptious dessert. Then, after dinner, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

    His wife replies, 'the funeral director would be my guess'
     
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  15. dareckibmw

    dareckibmw MDL Expert

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    Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

    Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show his work. Visibly upset, Satan cries and says, “I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out.”

    “Very well,” says God, “let us see if Jesus has fared any better.”

    Jesus presses a key, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

    Satan is astonished. He stutters, “B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”

    God chuckles, “Everybody knows… Jesus saves.” :roflmao:
     
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  16. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

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    Subject: The Lone Ranger and Tonto

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
    Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
    Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
    Towards sky, what you see? '
    'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
    'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.
    The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me
    there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
    Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter
    past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
    Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
    What's it tell you, Tonto?'
    'You dumber than buffalo sh!t. It means someone stole the tent.'
     
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  17. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

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    Grandma
    &
    Grandpa


    Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

    When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine
    cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills..

    The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad;
    they're very strong and very expensive."

    "How much?" asked Grandpa.
    "$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

    "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to
    try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll
    put the money under the pillow."

    Later the next morning, the son found $110 under
    the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill
    was $10, not $110.

    "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"
     
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  18. dareckibmw

    dareckibmw MDL Expert

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  19. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

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    Subject: McDONALD'S JOB APPLICATION

    This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

    NAME: Greg Bulmash.
    SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
    DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
    DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
    EDUCATION: Yes.
    LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
    SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
    REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
    PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
    DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
    SIGN HERE: Aries.
     
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  20. pedagogy

    pedagogy Chit Chatter

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    Two molecules are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?"
    "No, I lost an electron!"
    "Are you sure?" "I'm positive!"


    Q: Heard about the new Viagra computer virus?

    A: It turns your floppy disk into a hard drive!
     
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