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Thread: Jokes Jokes Jokes

  1. #1811
    MDL Novice jadinolf's Avatar
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    02 Jun 2016
    California U.S.A.
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mavericks Choice View Post
    A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up,

    "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".

    "Why do you think that ?" he said.

    "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says

    "stit ruoy su wohs".
    good one!
    This post is printed on 100% recycled bytes

  2. #1812
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    A bloke goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
    She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthetic shot.

    "No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the bloke said.

    So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and he
    said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!

    The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.

    "No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."

    The dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked.

    "Viagra," she replied.

    "I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."

    "It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth out."

  3. #1813
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    A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and begun reading a book.
    Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
    "How are you today?"
    "Fine, thank you," he responded and turned back to his book.
    "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

    First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
    "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered.
    "Do you live around here?" She asked.
    Yes, I live over in Cape Coral ", he answered and again he resumed reading.
    Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"

    With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
    When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man,
    "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

    The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?

  4. #1814
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    One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

    He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

    "I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I

    have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you

    what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as

    bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll

    even let YOU decide who leaves."

    Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the

    first room.

    In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and

    surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced

    with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

    "No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't

    think I could do that all day long."

    The devil led him to the door of the next room.

    In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did

    was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

    "No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in

    constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

    The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on

    the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a

    spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does


    Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I

    can handle this."

    The devil smiled and said...........

    "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

  5. #1815
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    The Story of my Life.
    She's single .... she lives right across the street.
    I can see her place from my patio.
    I watched as she got home from work this evening.
    I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and
    knocked on the door.
    I rushed to open it, she looks at me and said, "I just got home, and I
    have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk, and get
    laid tonight!
    Are you doing anything?"
    I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free!"
    She said, "Great! ....Could you watch my dog??
    Tough or what !!

  6. #1816
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    A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat

    on to make his way down to the local pub.

    He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said,

    Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.

    'She replied,

    'Awe Jock that's nice are you taking me tae the pub with you?

    'Nay,’ Jock replied

    ‘I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.'

  7. #1817
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    After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
    As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
    out her mobile phone and started talking in a loud voice:
    "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I' m on the train".
    "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
    "No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
    "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
    "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
    Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.
    When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
    "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
    Sue doesn't use her mobile phone in public any more

  8. #1818
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    Class trip to Farm.
    Ok children what sounds did we hear on our trip to the farm yesterday
    2nd.Kid... Baaaa...
    3rd. Kid Quack Quack...
    Little Jonny...Get off that F...... Tractor!!

  9. #1819
    MDL Crazy Lady Michaela Joy's Avatar
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    27 Jul 2012
    The bowels of Brooklyn
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    A little Gilbert Gottfreid....

    A father bursts into his son's room and says

    "If you don't stop masturbating, I swear you'll go blind!"

    The kid says

    "Dad!...I'm over here!"

    "He who works with his hands is a laborer.
    He who works with his hands and his mind is a craftsman.
    He who works with his hands, his mind, and his heart is an artist."
    ― Saint Francis of Assisi

    “The first gulp from the glass of natural sciences will turn you into an atheist, but at the bottom of the glass God is waiting for you.”
    ― Werner Heisenberg

    I'd rather clean latrines in the armies of Heaven, than be a general in the armies of Hell.
    ― (Guess... )

  10. #1820
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    A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated
    Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So
    she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her.

    Dr. Bumbutu advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest
    and chant, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'
    She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement
    she grew to a terrific D-cup rack!

    One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic
    realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might
    lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood
    right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said,
    'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

    A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked ' Are you a patient of
    'Yes I am.. How did you know?'

    He winked and whispered, ' Hickory dickory dock'...

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